July, yep it's July and I am not even for sure what has happened to my friend June. She just slipped right on out the door yesterday with out a "so long" or "see ya later". I have to say I was glad to see her go. June is always our busiest month of the summer. It seems as though we get to where we are almost robotic in our daily ventures. So much so that I know I spend most of time trying to catch myself, yet I always slip right through my own fingers.
As I am blogging this I am wondering why I am continuing to let myself stress over everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I am sure that I promised, through prayer, that I was going to start doing better about giving these "stresses" to God. Just when I think I have gotten this giving it to God strive down...I find myself quickly raising my arm saying, "Wait! Wait a minute, I am not done stressing over this yet." Just before these little knicks in my day are about to slip from my fingers, I hurry and grab them up tight again. Ummm yeah, I just said that, I grab my stresses and hold onto them. It seems so ridiculous to type this when I know that He is there to help and guide me. Yet I still battle with trying to be in control. Who am I kidding? I know in my heart that things would be a lot easier if I would just put my faith in Him but still I juggle the temptations of evil.
"He'll here you." "You have to pray!" I tell myself this all the time but it takes getting to the end of my rope before I realize, to take a deep breath and pray. Let it go, have faith, and sit back and enjoy the ride. Seems so easy right? Yet another self realization, I haven't fully learned to lean and rely on him. Let his strength surround and protect me. I heard a song yesterday on KLove, "lay your head in My hands and let Me protect you" was one of the verses. The signs are all there, He is trying to call to me and I am not hearing Him.
What? Am I a control freak?...MMMMM yeah probably. How does one fully let go? Do you ever fully let go? When times are bad, you simply don't have a digging piece of evidence in your brain that you are stressed and struggling? I do. It nags at me until I break. I'm writing and crying because this full on realization is hurting. The choices I make that effect our lives I fully do it out of the best interest of our family. Still, some back fire and end up causing heart ache. Then the cycle starts again. Is this just the facts of life? Is He slipping through my fingers and the evil seeping in? Ugh it's to early for all of this deep thought. I think I need to get back in bed, and try this day again. I need to take heave and listen to His calling. Maybe today I will take the advice from my Yada Yada Prayer Group story, book 1. "on the days when I am feeling the worst I turn up my feel good Christian radio station and sing and dance a jig. Let that devil man try to hurt me when I am singing and dancing in the love of the Lord!"
God, please give me the strength I need to understand. What is it that I'm not seeing? Help me to lay my head in Your hands and cast over my heart the ways to your truths.